Divine Mercy
In my soul
The Diary
of the Servant of God
Sister M. Faustina Kowalska
Perpetually Professed member
of the
Congregation of Sisters of
Our Lady of Mercy
Notebook I
O Eternal Love, You command Your Sacred Image to be painted And reveal to us the inconceivable fount of mercy, You bless whoever approaches Your rays, And a soul all black will turn into snow. O Sweet Jesus it is here You establish the throne of Your mercy. To bring joy and hope to sinful man. From your open Heart, as pure from a pure fount, Flows comfort to a repentant heart and soul. May praise and glory for this Image Never cease to stream from man's soul. May praise for God's mercy pour from every heart, Now, and at every and at every hour and forever and ever.
O My God
When I look into the future, I am frightened, But why plunge into the future? Only the present moment is precious to me, As the future may never enter my soul at all. It is no longer in my power to change, correct or add to the past; For neither sages nor prophets could do that. And so what the past has embraced I must entrust to God.
O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire. I desire to use you as best I can. And although I am weak and small, You grant me the grace of Your omnipotence. And so, trusting in Your mercy, I walk through life like a little child, offering You each day this heart Burning with love for Your greater Glory.
J.M.J.
(Jesus, Mary, and Joseph)
God and souls
King of Mercy, guide my soul.
Sister M Faustina
of the Blessed Sacrament.
Vilnius, July 28, 1934.
O my Jesus, because of my trust in You, I weave thousands of garlands, and I know that they will all blossom. And I know that they will all blossom when God's sun will shine on them. O great and Divine Sacrament That veils my God! Jesus, be with me each moment, And no fear will enter my heart.
J.M.J
GOD AND SOULS VILNIUS, JULY 28, 1934 FIRST NOTE BOOK.
Be adored, O Most Holy Trinity, now and for all time. Be adored in all Your works and all Your creatures. May the greatness of Your mercy be admired and glorified, O God,.
I am to write down the encounters of my soul with You O God, at the moments of Your special visitations. I am to write about You, O Incomprehensible in mercy towards my poor soul. Your holy will is the life of my soul. I have received this order through him who is for me Your representative here on earth, who interprets Your holy Will to me. Jesus, You see how difficult it is for me to write, how unable I am to put down clearly what I experience in my soul. O God can a pen write down that for which, many a time there are no words? But You give the order to write O God; and that is enough for me.
Warsaw, August 1, 1925
Entrance into the Convent.
From the age of seven, I experienced the definite call of God, the grace of a vocation to the religious life. It was in the seventh year of my life that, for the first time, I heard God's voice in my soul; that is an invitation to a more perfect life. But I was not always obedient to the call of grace. I came across no one who would have explained these things to me.
The eighteenth year of my life. An earnest appeal to my parents for permission to enter the convent. My parents flat refusal. After this refusal, I turned myself over to the vain things of life, paying no attention to the call of grace, although my soul found no satisfaction in any of these things. The incessant call of grace caused me much anguish; I tried, however, to stifle it with amusements. Interiorly I shunned God, turning with all my heart to creatures. However, God's grace won out in my soul.
Once I was at a dance (probably in Lode) with one of my sisters. While everybody was having a good time, my soul was experiencing deep torments. As I began to dance, I suddenly saw Jesus at my side, Jesus racked with pain, stripped of His clothing, all covered with wounds, who spoke these words to me: "How long shall I put up with you and how long will you keep putting Me off?" At that moment the charming music stopped, (and) the company I was with vanished from my sight; there remained Jesus and I. I took a seat by my dear sister, pretending to have a headache in order to cover up what took place in my soul. After a while I slipped out unnoticed, leaving my sister and all my companions behind and made my way to the Cathedral of Saint Stanislaus Kostka.
It was already beginning to grow light; there were only a few people in the Cathedral. Paying no attention to what was happening around me, I fell prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament and begged the Lord to be good enough to give me to understand what I should do next.
Then I heard these words: "Go at once to Warsaw; you will enter a convent there". I rose from prayer, came home, and took care of things that needed to be settled. As best I could, I confided to my sister what took place within my soul. I told her to say goodbye to our parents, and thus, in my one dress, with no other belongings, I arrived at Warsaw.
When I got off the train and saw that all were going their separate ways, I was overcome with fear. What am I to do? To whom shall I turn, as I know no-one? So I said to the Mother of God, "Mary, lead me, guide me". Immediately I heard these words within me telling me to leave the town and to go to a certain nearby village where I would find safe lodgings for the night. I did so and found in fact that everything was just as the Mother of God told me.
Very early the next day, I rode back into the city and entered the first church I saw (St. James Church at Grojecka Street in Ochota, a suburb of Warsaw). There I began to pray to know further the will of God. Holy Masses were being celebrated one after another. During one of them I heard the words: "Go to that Priest (Father James Dobrowski, pastor of St. James) tell him everything; he will tell you what to do next". After the Mass I went to the sacristy. I told the priest all that had taken place in my soul, and I asked him to advise me where to take the veil, in which religious order.
The Priest was surprised at first, but told me to have strong confidence that God would provide for my future. "For the time being" he said shall send you to a pious lady (Aldona Lipszycowa) with whom you will stay until you enter a convent" . When I called on this lady, she received me very kindly. During the time I stayed with her, I was looking for a convent, but at whatever convent door I knocked I was turned away. Sorrow gripped my heart, and I said to the Lord Jesus, "Help me; don't leave me alone". At last I knocked on our door.
When Mother Superior, the present Mother General Michael came out to meet me, she told me after a short conversation, to go to the Lord of the house and ask whether He would accept me. I understood at once that I was to ask this of the Lord Jesus. With great joy, I went to the chapel and asked Jesus: "Lord of this house, do You accept me? This is how one of the sisters told me to put this question to You".
Immediately I heard this voice: "I do accept; you are in My Heart". When I returned from the chapel, Mother Superior asked first of all, "Well, has the Lord accepted you?" I answered, "Yes". "If the Lord has accepted (she said) then I also will accept".
This is how I was accepted. However, for many reasons I still had to remain in the world for more than a year with that pious woman (Aldona Lipszycowa), but I did not go back to my own home.
At that time I had to struggle with many difficulties, but God was lavish with His graces. An ever greater longing for God did take hold of me. The lady, pious as she was, did not understand the happiness of religious life and, in her kindheartedness began to make other plans for my future life. And yet, I sensed that I had a heart so big that nothing would be capable of filling it. And so I turned with all the longing of my soul to God.
It was during the octave of Corpus Christ (June 25 1925). God filled my soul with the interior light of a deeper knowledge of Him as Supreme Goodness and Supreme Beauty. I came to know how very much God loves me. Eternal is His love for me. It was at vespers. In simple words which flowed from the heart, I made to God a vow of perpetual chastity. From that moment I felt a greater intimacy with God, my Spouse. From that moment I set up a little cell in my heart where I always kept company with Jesus.
At last the time came when the door of the convent was opened for me - it was the first of August (1925), in the evening, the vigil of the Feast of Our Lady of the Angels. I felt immensely happy; it seemed to me that I had stepped into the life of Paradise. A single prayer was bursting forth from my heart, one of thanksgiving.
However, after three weeks I became aware that there is so little time here for prayer, and of many other things which spoke to my soul in favor of entering a religious community of a stricter observance. This thought took a firm hold of my soul, but the will of God was not in it. Still, the thought, or rather the temptation was growing stronger and stronger to the point where I decided one day to announce my departure to Mother Superior and definitely to leave the convent. But God arranged the circumstances in such away that I could not get to the Mother Superior (Michael). I stepped into the little chapel before going to bed, and I asked Jesus for light in this matter. But I received nothing in my soul except a strange unrest which I did not understand. But, in spite of everything, I made up my mind to approach Mother Superior the next morning right after Mass and tell her of my decision.
I came to my cell. The sisters were already in bed- the lights were out. I entered the cell full of anguish and discontent; I did not know what to do with myself. I threw myself head long on the ground and began to pray fervently that I might come to know the will of God. There is silence everywhere as in the tabernacle. All the sisters are resting like white hosts enclosed in Jesus' chalice. It is only from my cell that God can hear the moaning of a soul. I did not know that one was allowed to pray in the cell after nine without permission.
After a while a brightness filled my cell, and on the curtain I saw the very sorrowful face of Jesus. There were open wounds on His Face, and large tears were falling on my bedspread. Not knowing what all this meant, I asked Jesus, "Jesus, who has hurt You so?" And Jesus said to me: "It is you who will cause Me this pain if you leave this convent. It is to this place that I called you and nowhere else; and I have prepared many graces for you". I begged pardon of Jesus and immediately changed my decision.
The next day was confession day. I related all that had taken place in my soul, and the confessor answered that, from this God's will is clear that I am to remain in this congregation and that I'm not even to think of another religious order. From that moment on, I have always felt happy and content.
Shortly after this, I fell ill (general exhaustion). The dear Mother Superior sent me with two other sisters for a rest to Skolimow, not far from Warsaw. It was at that time that I asked the Lord who else I should pray for. Jesus said that on the following night He would let me know for whom I should pray.
(The next night) I saw my Guardian Angel, who ordered me to follow him. In a moment I was in a misty place full of fire in which there was a great crowd of suffering souls. They were praying fervently, but to no avail, for themselves; only we can come to their aid. The flames which were burning them did not touch me at all. My Guardian Angel did not leave me for an instant. I asked these souls what their greatest suffering was. They answered me in one voice that their greatest torment was longing for God. I saw Our Lady visiting the souls in Purgatory. The souls called Her the Star of the Sea. She brings them refreshment. I wanted to talk with them some more, but my Guardian Angel beckoned me to leave. We went out of that prison of suffering. ( I heard an interior voice) which said, "My mercy does not want this, but justice demands it." Since that time, I am in closer communion with the suffering souls.
End of postulancy (April 29, 1926) - My superiors (probably Mother Leonard and Mother Jane) sent me to the novitiate in Krakow. An inconceivable joy reigned in my soul. When we arrived at the novitiate, Sister (Henry) was dying. A few days later she came to me (in spirit, after her death) and bid me to go to Mother Directness of Novices (Sister Margaret) and tell her to ask her confessor, Father Rod pond, to offer one Mass for her and three ejaculatory prayers. At first I agreed, but the next day I decided I would not go to Mother Directness, because I was not sure whether this had happened in a dream or in reality. And so I did not go.
The following night the same thing was repeated more clearly; I had no more doubt. Still, in the morning I decided not to tell the Directness about it unless I saw her (Sister Henry) during the day. At once I ran into her in the corridor. She reproached me for not having gone immediately, a great uneasiness filled my soul. So I went immediately to Mother Directness and told her everything that had happened to me. Mother responded that she would take care of the matter. At once peace reigned in my soul, and on the third day this sister came to me and said, "May God repay you".
The day I took the (religious) habit, God let me understand how much I was to suffer. I clearly saw to what I was committing myself. I experienced a moment of that suffering. But then God filled my soul again with great consolations.
Towards the end of the first year of my novitiate, darkness began to cast its shadow over my soul. I felt no consolation in prayer; I had to make a great effort to meditate; fear began to sweep over me. Going deeper into myself I could find nothing but great misery. I could also clearly see the great holiness of God. I did not dare to raise my eyes to Him, but reduced myself to dust under His feet and begged for mercy. My soul was in this state for almost six months. Our beloved Mother Directness (Mary Joseph) encouraged me in these difficult moments. But this suffering became greater and greater.
The second year of the novitiate was approaching. Whenever I recalled that I was to make my vows, my soul shuddered. I did not understand what I was reading; I could not meditate; it seemed to me that my prayer was displeasing to God. It seemed to me that by approaching the Holy Sacraments I was offending God even more. But despite this, my confessor (Father Theodore) did not let me omit one single Holy Communion. God was working very strangely in my soul. I did not understand anything at all of what my confessor was telling me. The simple truths of the faith became incomprehensible to me. My soul was in anguish, unable to find comfort anywhere.
At a certain point, there came to me the very powerful impression that I am rejected by God. This terrible thought pierced my soul right through; in the midst of the suffering my soul began to experience the agony of death. I wanted to die but could not. The thought came to me: of what use is it to strive for virtues; why mortify oneself when all this is disagreeable to God? When I made this known to the Directness of Novices, I received this reply, "Know, dear sister, that God has chosen you for great sanctity. This is a sign that God wants to have you very close to Himself in Heaven. Have great trust in the Lord Jesus".
That dreadful thought of being rejected by God is the actual torture suffered by the damned. I fled to Jesus' Wounds and repeated the words of trust, but these words became for me an even greater torture. I went before the Blessed Sacrament, and I began to speak to Jesus: "Jesus, You said that a mother would sooner forget her infant than God His creature, and that even if she would forget her infant, 'I God would never forget My creature'. O Jesus, do you You hear how my soul is moaning? Deign to hear the painful whimpers of Your child. I trust in You, O God, because heaven and earth will pass, but Your word will last forever.' Still I found not a moment of relief.
One day, just as I had awakened, when I was putting myself in the presence of God, I was suddenly overwhelmed with despair. Complete darkness in the soul. I fought as best as I could till noon. In the afternoon, truly deadly fears began to seize me; my physical strength began to leave me. I went quickly to my cell, fell on my knees before the Crucifix and began to cry out for mercy. But Jesus did not hear my cries. I felt my physical strength leave me completely. I fell to the ground, despair flooding my whole soul. I suffered terrible tortures in no way different than the torments of hell. I was in this state for three quarters of an hour. I wanted to go and see the Directness, but was too weak. I wanted to shout but I had no voice. Fortunately, one of the sisters (another novice, Sister Placid Pottery) came into my cell. Finding me in such a strange condition, she immediately told the Directness about it. Mother came at once. As soon as she entered the cell she said "In the name of holy obedience get up from the ground". Immediately some force raised me up from the ground, and I stood up close, to the dear Mother Directness. With kindly words she began to explain to me that this was a trial sent to me by God saying to me "Have great confidence; God is always our Father, even when He sends us trials."
I returned to my duties as if I had come out from the tomb, my senses saturated with what my soul had experienced. During the evening service, my soul began to agonize again in a terrible darkness. I felt that I was in the power of the Just God, and that I was the object of His indignation. During these terrible moments I said to God, "Jesus, who in the Gospel compare Yourself to a most tender mother, I trust in Your words because You are Truth and Life. In spite of everything, I trust in You in the face of every interior sentiment which sets itself against hope. Do what you want with me; I will never leave You, because You are the source of my life". Only one who has lived through similar moments can understand how terrible is this torment of the soul.
During the night, the Mother of God visited me, holding the Infant Jesus in Her arms. My soul was filled with joy, and I said, "Mary, my Mother, do you know how terribly I suffer?" And the Mother of God answered me, "I know how much you suffer, but do not be afraid. I share with you your suffering, and I shall always do so." She smiled warmly and disappeared. At once, strength and a great courage sprang up anew in my soul; but that lasted only one day. It seemed as though hell had conspired against me. A terrible hatred began to break out in my soul, a hatred for all that is holy and divine. It seemed to me that these spiritual torments would be my lot for the rest of my life. I turned to the Blessed Sacrament and said to Jesus, "Jesus, my Spouse, do You not see that my soul is dying because of its longing for You? How can You hide Yourself from a heart that loves You so sincerely? Forgive me, Jesus; may your holy will be done in me. I will suffer silently like a dove, without complaining. I will not allow my heart even one single cry of sorrowful complaint."
End of the novitiate. The suffering does not diminish. Physical weakness dispenses me from all (community) spiritual exercises; that is to say, they are replaced by brief ejaculatory prayers. Good Friday (April 16, 192
-Jesus catches up my heart into the very flame of His love. This was during the evening adoration. All of a sudden, the Divine Presence invaded me, and I forgot everything else. Jesus gave me to understand how much He had suffered for me. This lasted a very short time. An intense yearning - a longing to love God.
First vows (First profession of temporary vows, April 30, 192 . An ardent desire to empty myself for God by an active, but a love that would be imperceptible, even to the sisters closest to me.
However, even after the vows, darkness continued to reign in my soul for almost half a year. Once, when I was praying, Jesus pervaded all my soul, darkness melted away, and I heard these words within me: "You are My joy; you are My heart's delight". From that moment I felt the Most Holy Trinity in my heart; that is to say, within myself. I felt that I was inundated with Divine light. Since then, my soul has been in intimate communion with God, like a child with its beloved Father.
Once Jesus told me, "Go to Mother Superior (probably Mother Raphael) and ask her to let you wear a hair shirt for seven days, and once each night you are to get up and come to the chapel." I said yes, I found a certain difficulty in actually going to the Superior. In the evening Jesus asked me, "How long will you put it off?" I made up my mind to tell Mother Superior the very next time I would see her.
The next day before noon I saw Mother Superior going to the refectory and, since the kitchen, refectory and Sister Eyelashes little room are all close to each other, I asked Mother Superior to come into Sister Eyelashes room and told her of the wish of the Lord Jesus. At that, Mother answered, "I will not permit you to wear any hair shirt. Absolutely not! If the Lord Jesus were to give you the strength of a colossus, I would not then permit those mortifications."
I apologized for taking up Mother's time and left the room. At that very moment I saw Jesus standing at the kitchen door, and I said to Him, "You commanded me to ask for these mortifications, but Mother Superior will not permit them". Jesus said "I was here during your conversation with the Superior and know everything. I don't demand mortification from you, but obedience. By obedience you give great glory to Me and gain merit for yourself."
One of the Mothers (probably Mother Jane), when she learned about my close relationship with the Lord Jesus, told me that I must be deluding myself. She told me that the Lord Jesus associates in this way only with the saints and not with sinful souls "like you Sister!" After that, it was as if I mistrusted Jesus. In one of my morning talks with Him I said, "Jesus are You not an illusion?" Jesus answered me, "My love deceives no one".
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